Happy New Year Everyone!

Well another year has passed and this one seems to have passed by rather quickly. I made up my mind last weekend to wise up, move on and quit letting my mind fuck with me about the beautiful young woman I have been talking to. I have done really well this week not talking to her other than the necessities of work. I plan to continue into the new year and move on with my life. Things with my wife continue to deteriorate and I don't expect it to last much longer. We hardly talk and we each do our on thing when we have free time.

I hope EVERYONE has a great New Year and that all your dreams and wishes can come true............

It's Me Again.....

I had logged on earlier to write a little, all kinds of sad ass thoughts running through my mind and I guess feeling sorry for myself. Tried talking with the wife a little bit as she was heading to bed. She bitched about me waiting until "to late to talk". I told her no problem I can walk out and not say another word without having a second thought (which is what I did). I read comments to my post yesterday and felt somewhat better! Scanned through several blogs and read some interesting stories! Took a vacation day so I am off tomorrow!!! Planned to go to the woods, but it is supposed to rain most of the day.

I had a pretty good day with my little sweetie at work. Stopped on the way to work at Starbucks and bought her a latte this morning. A bit later me and "my little buddy" (the owners 2 year old granddaughter) went for a walk (she wants me to carry her) and stopped by and visited my sweetie. We had to show off the new words I have been teaching her and then we drew a few pictures. I think she really enjoys seeing me playing with the little one and is impressed with how she clings to me. I had went shopping and bought my sweetie's daughter (she's 10) a few things for Christmas and I wrapped them. Made plans to meet up after work and drop off the presents off so she could take them home, didn't want to take a chance on bringing them in the building for nosey people to see. Later in the day I asked if she had taken her daughter shopping to get her something and she said that she had made her something at School. Last year I sent some money home with her in a sealed envelope and told her to take her daughter shopping and let her buy her something. I did the same thing today and she told me I didn't have to do that, but I rebutted and said it wasn't right for her to have to give her money to buy her own gift. She was very appreciative and kept telling me how thoughtful I was. We met up and talked briefly, I dropped the presents off and we wished each other a good weekend.
I am sitting her now waiting for Monday to arrive so I can see her smiling face again.

I hope everyone's weekend is great I am going to try and hit the woods when the rain ends and may go visit my parents. BTW I hope you all make it on Santa's nice list!

Nothing new.

I am still around and reading alot of your blogs. I haven't posted much here or in comments lately. I just haven't felt like it. Christmas is almost here and I have no desire to participate. I used to get excited when the kids were young and Santa was real. I also used to try to find something really special, thoughtful and nice for my wife, but have no desire to. I have only shopped for one person and that is the daughter of the woman I have been talking with.

I know deep down inside that I am probably suffering from depression, but hate the thought of "changing me" to feel like society says I should. I have no problem functioning at work or play and have a fun upbeat attitude with almost everyone (except at home). I no longer have the strong sex drive I used to have, I just don't "feel it" at home. I guess after so much animosity , arguing and rejection you just get to a point of not caring anymore. Along with that I no longer find my wife attractive. The 5'3 105 lb woman I married is no more.

I will try to write more soon. It's late and time for work will be here before I know it.

Maybe I am Psychic

Life is scary sometimes and the mind can do mysterious things. Right after posting my last blog titled "A little Jealous" I had an experience that made it true. I went out to tell my "lil someone" good bye for the day and we were talking about a work related issue. I was explaining something to her and another employee when "the new girl"( who is a very cute mexican girl) walked by heading into the office. It's unusual for a production worker to go in the office so I glanced to see who is was. That apparently was the wrong thing to do. The girl I am crazy about said "concentrate sweetheart" and stomped off. Even though I was completely innocent it did feel good to see her blood boil a little. She is a mexican also and has the temper to back it up...lol. I stopped her on the way out and told her that I didn't appreciate that, because there was nothing intended. I told her I hoped she felt better (because she was sick) and she said "she would be fine" very short and to the point. I responded "I know you will" also short and to the point...lol and walked off. So if nothing else I did get the satisfaction of knowing what it feels like for someone to be "A little jealous" of me........

A little Jealous...

I have read several of the posts here lately and one thing is apparent.... Life doesn't have to be dull and boring. Although everyone's experiences are not always joyous at least you are having experiences. I guess in a way I am having them also, it's just their the same ones over and over. They are mostly negative or mundane to say the least. Rarely do I experience something exciting with my spouse. She has no drive, desires or imitative to make things happen or to have fun. She is content with doing nothing, being a homebody, or in my opinion just being a "Lazy Bitch". She has been on vacation all last week and this week and I could probably accomplish all the things she has done in 1/2 a day.

I have spent the last couple of weekends in the woods hunting, I haven't taken any game, but being active and around alot of other people has been a nice change. While this has been exciting it does little to fill my time during the week. I am desperately looking for that someone, that experience to break up my routine.

I went to the bar Friday night and took the wife. I don't drink, but she had 2. I saw a woman who owns a restaurant in town and I have talked to her a couple times at her place. She didn't see my wife with me and when I walked up and started talking to her it was apparent that if I had of been alone I wouldn't have been for long. She asked if my "girlfriend" was with me, she didn't think I was married. I had mentioned to her in the past that I was married, whether she selectively forgot I don't know. She is not a bad looking woman and seems to be "fun loving" I may have to visit the restaurant a little more often, alone, and see what happens.

I haven't wasted to much time on my "true obsession" lately. We still talk and she knows how I feel. I can't do anything else about it. She told me this morning she was sick last night and was not feeling well today. I offered to bring her anything I could to help her feel better, but she said she would be OK. The conversation though it seemed negative, was sincere. She knows I was heartfelt in my concern for her and I could feel in the air that she would have liked it if I could have held her in my arms. When our eyes meet I can see into her soul and her into mine. It's one of those rare situations where the unspoken things say so much. We talk about her daughter and she asks my opinion on things from time to time, usually we agree and she tells me how things turned out. I show my genuine concern and she reciprocates by valuing my opinion.

Well I have to go for now work calls.......

I am glad to read some positive posts.....

I have read several posts lately and I am glad that everything is not always negative. One thing that strikes me odd on several of the posts is that people are having the most fun when you are either with someone strange or by yourself. Not many of us post fun things that we do with our significant others. Is that because we don't do that many fun things with our significant others? or do we take them for granted and they don't come to the fore front of our minds?

After reading the responses to the letter I posted the other day I have done a 180 and have been avoiding the person I was referring to. This I guess is the most logical thing to do, but at the same time it has taken away one of the things that I really looked forward to, my fun thing. It feels good to be complimented by someone young and beautiful. Beats the hell out of arguing with the wife! Another positive thing I received from talking with her was the conversation. Sharing things that are going on with me and hearing about the things she is dealing with, that was really nice. There are alot of days I may speak 10 words or less with my wife. I catch myself hanging around work later and later just to avoid coming home. Even though I may be in my office away from the action I can always walk out and talk with someone. When I finally decide to leave may call my brother or parents just to chat on the 50 min ride home. I will call home and ask if anything is needed, but the conversations are short and uncaring, just like the offer I had to have sex with the wife tonight (which I turned down). Just a tip for the ladies.... don't tell the hubby to go ahead and get a shower so you can go have sex soon, because your tired and want to go to sleep. I guess that I should be happy she made the offer, hell it's only been close to 2 weeks.

Sorry if I have been negative for like.....forever. I am really not that type of person. Although I have allowed myself to dwell on the negative way to much lately. I like to laugh and joke. I am first in line to crack a joke and always have a quick comeback for a friendly verbal jab. I like doing fun things and I have a ton of energy to expend. It's not uncommon for me to stay up 17-20 hours on Friday & Saturday. I'm a night owl by nature, the later it gets the more alert I become. I can talk to almost anyone and have a great conversation, but no matter who I am talking with I can't (or won't) tell them the thoughts I am really having. There is one lady who lives a couple of hours from me who knows the things I have been going through and I even met her once to talk at lunch, but other than her and the folks here at blogspot thats it. Well tomorrows the day after Thursday so I better get to bed and Friday will finally be here! Thanks for listening.

Boring Shit

I Guess my last post was the same ole boring shit. I kind of like to hear opinions or comments on posts as I make several to the ones I follow, not all grant you, but several. I post to get feedback and hopefully your valuable opinions when I ask questions. Let me know if the crap is boring and I'll save my time.

Letter to My Darling

I wrote the following for my special someone. Although we have not been as close as we were a year ago I still want to be with her so badly. I asked if she would like me to write her a letter and she said yes. After she read it she told me how much she liked it and even thought I had took some of it from a book. I will always care for her even if we never get together...... So tell me Ladies why would someone want to get a letter like this if they didn't have feelings for someone? I have written her several in the past and she said she has them all? Fill me in. What is the deal?

I hope when this letter finds you that you are having a great day! It has been along time since I have written....To Long.... even though I have not put my thoughts onto paper in quite awhile; thoughts of you are always on my mind. Whether it is a long weekend or just overnight I think about you often. I am forever hoping that things go well for you & that you are happy in life. You have had so much happening in the last few months and so many times I have wished that I was able to take away all your troubles. I felt so bad when your puppy was lost, seeing you hurting and knowing the hurt you were feeling for your daughter’s loss broke my heart. I wished everyday to be able to comfort you and take away your pain. The sad thing is that the things that make you the wonderful person are the same things that cause you so much pain when something goes wrong. You are a very caring person & have an extremely big heart. There are so many little things that make you the unique person that you are. I love to see your dimples when you smile, your attitude change when you are playful and even the way you talk a little louder when you are trying to get your point across.

One reason I wanted to write was to be able to say things that I find hard to say in person. I care about you a lot and love to see you when you are happy.I wish that I could openly tell everyone how special you are. I would love to spend time with you and not have to look over my shoulder to see who is watching. I dream of being able to take you places you have never saw and to see your amazement when you see something that is new and exciting. I’d like to be there to congratulate you on your accomplishments and to be a steadfast support in a time of need. I could endlessly tell you how wonderful you are and be sincere with every word. I could tell you how great I feel when I have your attention or to tell you how I am mesmerized by your beauty. Whether these things mean anything to you, I don’t know. There are so many things I would like to say, but I find myself holding back. I find it hard to tell you the doubts I have about myself, or how I wonder what would make me a better person. I would love to be able to share my inner most dreams, fears and desires with you, but I am always scared to venture that far. I don’t want to impose or burden you. I want to be special in your eyes. I guess in a way me writing these things down is in a way me being selfish, by asking you to hear my thoughts & desires even though they may not be yours.

A long time ago I told you that you would always have a place in my heart. This I know is true........

updating

Just updating and blowing off a little steam. No eloquent words, no BS, just letting it fly. I had a 4 days weekend off with the wife. I tried to do a little re-building while we were off and wasted another 4 days along with the almost 19 years we have put into this marriage. We did have sex one night out of 5 which I was unhappy with. I took her out every night to eat, went to the movies once, shopping riding around etc. By this afternoon we were talking divorce. That stemmed from me being upset that my 18 year old daughters and her BF think it is OK to lay around my house until 2 or 3 in the morning, way past the time I have gone to bed. I get jumped by the wife and by the daughter because I seem to have a problem with this. I offered to go talk with a counselor with the wife if she wanted to & see if we had anything worth saving. I'm not perfect, but I am so fed up with all the BS of marriage, life & responsibilities. At the same time I am scared to death to just step away. Being with someone for 19 years you get attached. I feel sick, tired and wonder why the hell do we as people keep trying. I think about saying to hell with it all quite often, but usually something will snap me back in line. I feel like a rubber band and keep wondering when the hell I will finally snap. Well time to go get in the bed with someone I hate and suck it up for another day. We'll see what tomorrow brings. PS. Nothing new with the woman I care alot about., Haven't had much to say to her the last couple of days. I pretty much have kept to myself other than the niceties of saying hello and speaking occasionally. I did tell her I was having a bad day today and later this afternoon she asked where I had been? No time to dwell on that fiasco. ... Heading to spend another lonely night with my wife.

Merry-Go-Round Man......

It's been along time since I have been on an actual Merry-Go-Round, but in my mind I travel on one everyday. I torture myself with thoughts and feelings, going around and around, one minute stepping away and the next getting ever so close. Spinning around, offering my Heart & Soul, Sternly telling myself to stay away, then coming back again. All the while knowing full well I am wasting my time. Does the heart control the mind or does the mind control the heart? That thought has perplexed me terribly lately. Regardless of which is in control the end result is cruel.
Wanting to be good enough, wishing I could control time, striving to better myself, then saying to hell with it. There is no time limit or schedule, the speed is not always the same, but the ride keeps going around and around. The only constant is that the scenry never changes. I feel myself getting closer to her. My eyes seek her out, there she is, I am hers, my words say it with sincerity, my heart is warmed. She speaks in riddles, not wanting to commit. I listen closely hearing her compliments and then sensing her apprehension. I am hung on her every word. I say more than I should, I bare my soul, I tell her I will always be there if she needs me. I am reminded that I am married, the Merry-Go-round keeps turning. I am getting farther away. I start doubting myself, I'm not good enough, to old, Wish I was more handsome, fit, cut, to hell with it. The scenery is still the same and the ride will not stop.................

Fate???

I thought it was weird how similiar my Singles Horoscope and my Chinese Horoscope were today. Maybe I should listen more closely to them.

Chinese:
It's not unusual for the most appealing thing to be that which is most unattainable. If you suffer from a mild obsession with something or someone that is beyond your grasp, you may wish to find another diversion until the fixation passes. Would you still crave the object of your desire as much if it were yours to keep?

Daily Singles Horoscope:
Look closely at this person, no matter how enticing he or she seems. Does this pretty package actually have anything on the inside? Not getting what you want actually proves to be very valuable.

I have backed off from the person I am crazy about. It's kind of hard to compete with a 23 year old when your 42. I haven't really been competing, but I damn sure make him work hard to keep what he's got. I treat her with the respect she deserves and he knows it...lol. She never will admit that she's dating someone, but I know better and told her the other day I wasn't a dumbass.

Just for the record...SSDD at home with the wife. Thats a story for another day. I hope everyone is doing well!
Mike

Bitching again...

Well it's been awhile since I stopped in to unload here at my blog so here it goes..... I woke up yesterday to having an arguement with the wife the Very First Thing in the morning. I thought about it on my way to work and texted her the following ..."Counseling or quits? We need to make a decision here. There is no need to keep tearing each other apart." Well she had a different attitude that afternoon when I got home. I still don't think a damn thing is solved, but "once again" she knows I am tired of the shit. I doubt anything will change and after 18 years I guess we are just mulling along like a creature of habit will do. One day something will snap, a line will be crossed just a little to far and I am sure we will seperate.

I think about my options all the time, I have saved a little money on the side that she is unaware of and in a pinch I have a place to go. I am generally a strong free willed person, but have fell into a life of convieance. It's to easy to come home and avoid her if things aren't going well to be driven to leave. Last year I was anxious to go, I had someone to go to. Someone better, Someone new. Why didn't I leave then? Scared, stupid, compliacent or a combination of all three. I'm 42 and hate the thougth of starting over. My daughter turns 18 in 11 days, that will be a relief also!

Oh well, I will get back to dreaming in my mind and waiting until the day the line is crossed or something snaps.

Maybe this won't be considered racial.....

I just have to vent and state a few thoughts about women of different races ( I am sure the same applies to men, but I am stating this from a mans point of view). As with any statement, the statements I make from this point forward are not all encompassing & no statement applies to everyone. So please do not take my comments personally. I work in a field that has a wide array of different cultures, Caucasian, Haitian, Puetro-Rican, Cuban, Black, Mexican and probably several other races I have failed to mention.
Every race/Culture has their own quirks/ beliefs / teachings / traditions / habits or whatever you want to call them. I for one am sick of the direction that "most" women of the Caucasian race are heading. The "modern white woman" has no intent on giving anything of herself to please her spouse, they have became self centered, materialistic, spoiled bitches. Little do they know how rewarding giving of their selves to their spouse can be. I doubt that they care as long as they get the material things they want.
Working closely with Haitian, Mexican, Cuban, Black & Puetro-Rican women I can see a huge difference in their attitudes, needs and beliefs. I cannot explain it and maybe it is just the difference in culture, but any of the women that I have mentioned in this paragraph are more caring and giving that most of the Caucasian women I have ever met. These women seem to derive pleasure from sharing of themselves with their significant other & their families. They are respectful, appreciative and have great pride in their accomplishments. They are not "needy" "greedy" or demanding. Their demeanor makes you want to please them.
Maybe I am just biased due top my own personal experiences. Maybe I am still somewhat stinging from an argument I had earlier with my wife or maybe my eyes have been opened. I don't know the answer, but as I said in my first line I wanted to vent. I welcome any opinions and hopefully I have not offended anyone with my statements.
Take care,
When you come to realize you are riding a dead horse the best strategy is to dismount!!!

Vacation

HAPPY VACATION !!!!

I wanted to wish you a Happy Vacation and let you know that you will be missed. I would still like to tell you goodbye personally tomorrow, but I wanted to write down a few of my thoughts that I am sure I could not remember to say them all tomorrow.

I hope that you and your daughter have a wonderful time with your Mom and that your Mom is in good health and well. I know she will be happy to see you both and will be very proud of you and she will see how great of a job you have done raising your daughter.

I want you to know that I understand that you have moved on with your life & I cannot blame you for that. You have to do what you feel is best for you. My only hope is that you are happy and that you are treated with the respect & love that you deserve. You are a wonderful person and have so much to offer.

I have tried to step away and leave you alone and not express my feelings anymore. With you going away for so long, I did want to let you know that I will be praying your trip is a Safe one and that you have a Great time. Please know that I will always be wishing good things for you no matter how far away you are or what happens in either of our lives. Knowing you has enlightened my life and inspired me to try and be a better person. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to be the person that could provide you with the things you need to be happy.

PLEASE be safe and take care of yourself and your daughter. Wish your Mom the very best & if you want let her know that someone (me) thinks she done a fabulous job raising her wonderful daughter!

Quote for the Day!

"When you come to realize that your are riding a dead horse, the best stragety is to dismount."

Getting it Together....

I don't know if the title is exactly the correct way to put things, because I don't know if I'll ever get it all together. I have been pushing forward day by day, trying to improve myself & the whole time my mind is working against me. I set goals and know that if I stick to them I can accomplish most all of them. The dark side of my mind works against me asking the question "Why Bother?". Not having a support system at home(someone who gives a shit) doesn't really help. I have always set high goals for myself and most of the time I have accomplished them. There have only been a few times in my life that I haven't achieved what I set out to do, whether it was work related or in a relationship. Right now I feel like I am at the crossroads of what I consider "Failure". I feel that my marriage is a failure & that the relationship I have been persueing in my heart is set to be a failure also. There are only so many things a person can do to win the heart of another and I am pretty much at the end of my efforts. I will never forgive myself for not stepping up and leaving my wife when I should have last year. I preach to my daughter that there are always concquences for your actions and until the day I die I will still wonder "what if I had of done this or that?".

I have been writing at home, mainly childhood memories that I would like to pass along to my daughter and any children that she may one day have. I have been very sporadic with my writings here as well as at home. Lately though I have felt compelled to quicken the pace.

Thanks to the person who comments on my posts and sends me an occasional message. You know who you are and I do enjoy logging in to see whats new with you. I hope all is well in your life.......

Still Around

I am still hanging in with things around here. Not alot has changed. Things with my "lil darlin" are about the same but we do talk alot more lately. I have been working out and trying to improve myself. just thought I'd update anyone who cared. Mike

Maybe it is Contagious?

I have been reading some of the blogs of folks who follow me and I don't know if it is coincidence or if God is trying to tell me something. Megan at Life's Happenings had this David Burns quote at the top of her last blog... "There is only one person who can ever make you happy and that person is you". Alpha ButtonPusher had this one... " Happiness is not something you have in your hands, it is something you carry in your heart".

Both of these quotes refer to what I am looking for "Happiness". Maybe I am looking in the wrong place and need to look deeper within myself. It all sounds so easy, it's the getting started that is the hardest. I have always said I have a type A personality and as a part of that personality you tend to want to excel. It is hard to admit that you have failed. I tend to over analyze everything and sometimes my stubborn streak kicks in and I won't admit defeat.

How did I get to the point I am now? I guess it started with "giving" myself to someone else. I was truly in love with my wife (at least I thought I was) & I guess that is when my guard was lowered. Over the years ( 18 & 1/2) you keep bending, twisting and giving until what you formerly known as "yourself" has disappeared and you are now someone else. How do we turn back time and get to where we used to be? I think this is one reason I fell so hard for the person last year. She is much younger than me (16 years) and I think she took me back to a place that I wish I was in.

So here I sit with good advice from 2 different people contemplating how to make the necessary changes to achieve the goal I am after.......Happiness.

Time Marches on....

Well it's Saturday again, I haven't been putting much effort into writing. I felt as if I was
re-hashing the same old things over and over again. To be honest I don't have alot to talk about now, but I am bored and ticked off once again with the wife so I am just killing time. I don't feel the passion I had when I started blogging, Maybe writing everything down helped get it out of my system. Spent a good part of the afternoon at the dentist office yesterday and took the wife to a gospel sing for a couple of hours last night. Then we worked around the house most of the day today. Watched the movie "7 Pounds" tonight (I thought it was really good). Rosario Dawson is so beautiful and reminds me alot of the woman I want to be with. If you read about her at wikapedia she had a really rough start in life, but has done very well for herself!

Things aren't progressing any farther with the woman I was talking with & I have been making a strong effort to just let it go. I still see her everyday during the week at work and it sure is hard to want to be with someone so badly, but to keep telling yourself it isn't going to happen & that it's probably for the best. If everything in life worked out the way we wanted it to, there would be no pleasure in occasionally getting what you desire.

My nephew has his 5th birthday party tomorrow so I will be going to visit with him. I teased him a few weeks ago and told him I had bought him some Barbie dolls & he flat out told me to not bring them. He didn't want any part of a doll...lol.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. I am ready to just take a week off and go somewhere, anywhere, but preferably somewhere I have never been before. I ideally would like to go by myself, because going with the wife would invariably wind up in some sort of argument and void the purpose of getting away.

Take care,
Mike

Ramblings of a Mad Man..........

Sorry I haven't written in quite awhile, it's been a busy week and it's hard to find "alone" time when I don't have to worry about someone seeing what I am writing.

The week went fairly well at work and I played it cool & tried to stick to business when dealing with the woman I was talking to last year, or should I say the woman that I am in love with. She still gives me mixed signals and it drives me crazy. I am pretty sure she went to lunch with her BF (the one she never admits she has) & my parents came over and had lunch with me today. I mentioned they were coming & after I got back to work she started talking to me and said that she had "peeked" out the window to see them. I asked her who she went to lunch with and she said one of her girlfriends. I don't know why she won't just up and say she is seeing someone, unless it is to just string me along. Or maybe she thinks it would hurt me to know. Today I mentioned it sounded like she was getting a cold and she said her hands were cold and put her hand on my face for a minute. I think it was more of a caress than anything, but I just let it ride. I feel like a damn inexperienced teenager writing all this, but these are the type of things that keep running through my mind. I don't know if it is my desperate attempt to hold on to my youth, or the fact that the things (as small as they may be sometimes) that I feel from her, are what I am missing at home.

I tried to get my wife to go with me on a trip tonight to a national forest and she said that she would be bored just riding and sitting around. There's about 250,000 acres to ride in & I had thought that it would be good for us to be together in a quiet place and be able to talk. I saw deer, fox, coyote and heard amazing songs from whipper-wills & other night birds, all while being able to enjoy just being outdoors. She wound up staying home and I wound up going alone. I can't even begin to think of the times I have went places or done things that she wanted to do, even though I had no interest in them. We have the partnership thing working overtime.....lol...NOT.

After writing one of my last blogs it was suggested by a friend to try facebook to locate the woman I mentioned whom I had known a long time ago. I signed up for the account and done a few searches. I found who I thought it may have been based off of her name and location (the pic she had was not real clear). I sent her a couple of messages to see if it could be her & never got a responce. I think she blocked me from viewing her profile, so either I am a long lost memory, or some poor woman thinks I am a stalker...lol.

In reference to the friend who suggested I try face book I think I pissed her off yesterday with an e-mail. I didn't do it intentionally, just mentioned a few things that I was unhappy with at home and whether or not she took it the wrong way or is just tired of hearing me complain I haven't heard from her at all today.

So right now I am batting 1000 when it comes to any type of GOOD relationship/interaction with women. I am generally a pretty likeable guy, funny, not to god awful looking & can carry on a conversation with just about anyone. I have some women friends & they tell me all kinds of stuff about their personel lives, laugh, joke etc; but thats just it were friends. When it comes to any type of deeper relationship I am falling short. The ones that I know things could go farther with are either not my type (not intended to anyone in specific) or know that I am married and won't persue anything other than a friendship. I can understand the ones who know I am married and I really don't want to be in an affair either, that wouldn't be fair to the person I was in it with and it being an affair would take away from the pleasure of loving someone and feeling loved. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I was willing to give 110 percent, go "all in" with the woman last year. I had planned to walk away from all that I had worked for the last 18 years with my wife. No I am not perfect, but there comes a time when you just get tired of trying.

Well I've been up 22 hours now, so I guess I'll end this and head to bed. As always, I welcome comments or opinions. Maybe by reading these ramblings someone will see something that I am not seeing and whip out their magical advice pencil and set me straight! I hope everyone has a Great Weekend. Mike

Same Sh** Different Day...

Damn I am tired of getting ticked off at the wife. Got up this morning and cooked breakfast for me and the wife. Made her coffee & we watched TV while we ate. Worked around the house in the yard this afternoon for several hours, got showers and dressed and went to the fair tonight. Checked that out for a couple hours , headed to Dunkin Doughnuts and got her a Vanilla Latte, went to Wally World to pick up a few things and on the way home I start hearing the tell tale signs that this isn't going to be a good night, I'm tired, it's late, etc;. Our daughter was at a friends house all day & I tried a few times to iniante a little playtime to no avail.

Sarcastically I told her as she was going to bed that "I'm glad we're on the same page", when she asked what I meant I said that I sure as hell had different plans for tonight than she did. The response of we can do something tomorrow, did very little to make me feel any better. So here it is 2 AM, I'm still wide awake and wondering why the hell I try to put any effort into something that is obviously broken.

Well guess I better hurry up and get to bed, tomorrow will be here before I know it....lol.

Me & The Dog...

Just sitting here spending some quality time with the dog. Everyone else is asleep, which seems to be the norm for my wife. We talked for maybe 10 minutes tonight. Then I got to watch her sleep in the recliner for a couple of hours, while I surfed the net. Then she finally slipped off to bed and told my daughter to tell me she was going to lay down. So I guess that the sum of being together for 19 years is I have a secretary to let me know the wife is going to sleep.

I had a really busy day at work today, which was good because the time passed quickly. I have pretty much avoided my little heartbreaker the last few days. It's still hard to see her everyday & not feel the desires from deep within poking their heads out (no pun intended).

I guess it would be quite obvious to see where the problem lies with my relationship issues. Their right here in black and white. On one hand feeling like you are just a piece of furniture in your own house and on the other hand getting compliments for someone who is young and beautiful, or getting comments from almost anyone who is the opposite sex. They say "it's a small world", and I would be willing to bet that statement could be proven true, by the number of people who read this little blog & admit that they have felt the same way with their spouses.

So what do we do about it? Why do we stay? If I knew the answer to those questions I would give the ShamWow guy a run for his money with my own TV commericial.

Well 1 more day until the weekend & I'm ready for it. I hope everyone has a great Friday!

Flat Line

Fighting off boredom and watching the clock tick by, the day finally ended. I am so glad that everyday isn't like today. The rush of getting back into the week happened yesterday. Today things were quiet, which I guess is good in some ways, but the lack of a challenge made the day drag by. Days like today tend to make my mind wander, but I avoided letting my dark eyed beauty rule my thoughts today which was a little hard to do.

I hope everyone has a good St Patty's day & I hope to have more to post tomorrow.

I think I can, I think I can...

I guess the title is as good as any for a Monday. The weekend is wearing off and the reality of work slaps us all in the face first thing this morning. For some the shock won't be that bad, for others it's a thing of dread. I lean towards the first group of people as I have always worked and I pretty much like my job. Some of the people I work with make the day trying and for those pitiful souls who have no life and look forward to making things harder on everyone, I hope you all have flat tires on the way home.

The beautiful soul who lives with in my heart said she had a great weekend, visited her Dad and Brother, so that was one less worry for me today. We didn't talk a whole lot today as I have stepped back since her birthday. No need to torture myself with things I have no control over.

Going along with today's theme...Why do we put ourselves in the positions that we do. Always striving for something beyond our reach, hoping that this time it will be different, willing to sell our souls for the thing we so desire. It has to be the ongoing process of natural selection. Otherwise we would settle for what life hands us, live off the scraps of those that strive for perfection & be the court jesters for those that did work to better themselves. So for everyone who got up this morning and headed out to their jobs, strapped on their "OK I'm ready, throw it at me helmets" Way to go!! I hope that some part of today no matter how little it may have been made you feel like you accomplished what you set out to do.............

To The Top of The Mountain....

I've been re-reading my Blog and it would seem that I am just a poor love sick little puppy all the time. There is a lot more to life than the hurt feelings from a failed relationship. I have friends, a good position in my company, get out and do things on the weekend, just bought a new truck and occasionally do have fun with my wife. I do have the feelings that I have posted in my previous posts and that is one of the reasons I started this blog. To be able to put pen to paper and express my thoughts is great. To tell someone else what I think and how I am feeling is relieving, it's not like I can discuss this with my wife...lol. Getting feedback through comments and having followers is exciting. I am sure that others have been in similar positions and true to human nature have got through the hurt and moved forward. I guess the fact that we feel hurt is validation that we truly do/did care for the one that made us feel this way. It's a shame that something so wonderful can also be so devastating.

I think that everyone during their life will have that "Special Love" & whether or not it actually works out and you get to spend your life with that person is just the luck of the draw. I am not talking about dating or relationships that are just so so. I mean the feeling of being connected from deep within your heart. My first experience with this feeling was 22 years ago with a beautiful blond haired young woman named Leah. I still think about her often and wonder how her life turned out. We would talk for hours and had so much in common. This relationship wasn't based on sex, because she was married and we never did have sex. Her husband got a job in South Florida and they had to move. After she left we wrote each other letters (this was before the Internet...lol) and would talk on the phone once in awhile. Eventually we drifted apart, with the promise that one day we would see each other again. Well 22 years later I still think about her often & would not hesitate to meet her anywhere if we were to get in contact again.

Concerning my blog I plan to continue posting about things I am currently experiencing and I'm sure I will put experiences from the past in the spotlight once in awhile. I may even post a few love letters that I wrote last year to the woman who currently has placed herself in my heart......

The Dreaded Weekend.....

The week has passed by quickly, I dread the thought of telling you that "I hope you have a good weekend". Though it's only two short days, I feel lost & helpless. I know I will be thinking of you and hoping that everything is going well. The memory of seeing you Monday, eyes swollen from crying and hearing the words "I had a terrible weekend" are still fresh in my mind. I never did get a straight answer as to what happened, I just know that something or someone hurt you. The sick feeling that I had when you told me has went away, but I curse the fact that I wasn't able to be there for you. I hate that our differences were enough to keep me from being able to share myself with you, to be your shoulder to lean on, your protector & friend. The thought that someone could be so uncaring about your feelings frustrates me. Why can't he be on the outside looking in? I truly do wish for you to be happy, even at the expense of my unhappiness.

I will find things to do, some will be productive and others in the hope that my mind will not dwell on things I have no control over. My wife is unaware of the thoughts I am having. We don't have a lot in common & the few interests that we do share are clouded by tension, hurt feelings and unfulfilled desires. Our frail efforts to coexist darken the already cloudy atmosphere. The time will pass slowly as my thoughts of someone else make each minute seem like an eternity.

Monday will come, I will look for you shortly after I get to work and pray that your eyes are shineing and that you are smiling. I will ask how your weekend was and hope to hear the words that make me happy..."I had a great weekend". The week will pass quickly, each night a condensed version of the weekend to come. Why do the days seem like minutes and the nights seem like days. ............

Climb Aboard, Lets go for a ride...

I guess we have all been there, anxious, excited, caught up in the moment, Lusting, Ego busting at the seams, all of which make us vulnerable. I guess it's human nature to always assume that what your eyes see and your heart feels is the truth. There may be some truth to the things we are feeling, but in actuality just how much of it is real, I mean really real. Our desires to feel wanted, needed and loved cloud our minds and our thoughts. How often do we see the reality of things after it is to late?


It's at this point that we realize that we have been taken for a ride, scammed ourselves and if we are lucky walked away with only a few scars on our hearts. I have taken this ride more times than I care to remember. Everytime I get on that train I go fully packed, all in, and willing to give 110%. Maybe this is where I make my biggest mistake. Hmmm...I should take it easy, close my mind & block my feelings and see what happens from there. Then what would be the point? The excitement is the fuel that makes the fire burn.

Are you feeling it yet?

Well I hope everyone's day was a little better than mine. In case you haven't checked my profile I turned 42 last month. I have been married for longer than I care to remember (18 years) and have a daughter who will turn 18 in August. You would think with a little age some of the stupidity that you experienced growing up would go away & I guess a little of it did. When it comes to matters of the heart it's a whole different story though. Getting to the point, I fell in love with a beautiful 26 year old woman last year. We work together and had talked a few times in the past, the funny thing about her is that I never "really" noticed her, but once I did I was knocked off my feet. We started sharing and getting to know more and more about each other and the more I talked to her the deeper I fell. I was happy with that and went as far as making plans to leave my wife and get a place of my own. She had just got divorced from a man who was 12 years older than her, so the age difference didn't seem to matter. Whether it was the fact that I was serious or maybe it was the age difference she decided that we should quit talking. She was always concerned that I was married and that she didn't want to be the cause of me leaving. She wouldn't have been the cause, but she surely gave me the courage to make some tough decisions. Maybe I just drug my feet to long. Any way we still talk, and share little bits and pieces about our lives, her daughter, my daughter stuff etc. I always try to remember occasions, valentines day, birthday, mothers day etc. For valentines I got her a gift certificate for a pedicure and bought her a nice lunch. Her birthday was yesterday and I got her a couple of gift certificates to Olive Garden for her and her daughter and bought her a really nice cake. When I gave her the gift certificates I put them in a crappy little card. I told her that wasn't the card I would have normally chosen for her, but I wasn't sure she would like the one I felt like giving her. After talking for awhile she said she would have liked to of saw it. So I (like a fool) went and bought her the card I had seen, which was one of the sweetest love cards I had ever saw. The 2 statements that rang true with me were "when I first realized that I was in love with you, my eyes took a picture and placed it in my heart" the other was "when I first looked into your eyes I saw the future that I wanted". Well she was suprised with the card and asked if I meant it. I told her I did and then today she got flowers from someone else. When I asked her about them she said they were from a secret admirer. I know she was seeing someone else after we quit talking, but she won't mention his name, although I know who he is and when I said "I guess I'm just wasting my time" she brings up the "your married comment again".
So whether or not your feeling it, I sure am feeling like a fool all over again. Love can be wonderful, but it is also a cruel cruel thing.......

Today is the Day

Today is my first day in the blogging world. Not that I am unfamiliar with expressing my opinions or thoughts. I do this regularly, sometimes to the disapproval of whom I'm talking with and other times my thoughts are appreciated. I have a position that requires me to make decisions all day long. Sometimes I have to "fly by the seat of my pants" & just make things happen. It's easy to be in control of making decisions for the well being of a company, making decisions that are for your personal well being are often more difficult. I have made both good and bad decisions during my lifetime & a wise old man once told me as long as your right 51% of the time you will do fine. Now personally I would like to have better odds than that, but I guess even a small advantage is better than none at all.
One area in my life that I have not always made the wisest decisions is in taking care of myself and in my love life... Everyone says that hindsight is 20/20 and even though that may be true, it doesn't do anything to help correct decisions that you have made in the past. If hindsight is 20 /20 it's a shame that it dosen't come with the option of time travel. I would like to go back to my teen years with the knowledge that I have now. Not only would I be a STUD...lol, I would make a lot of changes. Another saying that rings true is "life isn't fair" and although I don't know how fair it is supposed to be, I do know that it is cruel. I will share more about that a little later, I have so many things to unload and Hopefully by doing so someone will learn from my mistakes or possibly be comfortable enough to add your opinions from time to time..........

If any of the younger crowd happens to be bored enough to read this far, First off I am so sorry for you, but secondly Cherish the times you are living in right now.