Just sitting here spending some quality time with the dog. Everyone else is asleep, which seems to be the norm for my wife. We talked for maybe 10 minutes tonight. Then I got to watch her sleep in the recliner for a couple of hours, while I surfed the net. Then she finally slipped off to bed and told my daughter to tell me she was going to lay down. So I guess that the sum of being together for 19 years is I have a secretary to let me know the wife is going to sleep.
I had a really busy day at work today, which was good because the time passed quickly. I have pretty much avoided my little heartbreaker the last few days. It's still hard to see her everyday & not feel the desires from deep within poking their heads out (no pun intended).
I guess it would be quite obvious to see where the problem lies with my relationship issues. Their right here in black and white. On one hand feeling like you are just a piece of furniture in your own house and on the other hand getting compliments for someone who is young and beautiful, or getting comments from almost anyone who is the opposite sex. They say "it's a small world", and I would be willing to bet that statement could be proven true, by the number of people who read this little blog & admit that they have felt the same way with their spouses.
So what do we do about it? Why do we stay? If I knew the answer to those questions I would give the ShamWow guy a run for his money with my own TV commericial.
Well 1 more day until the weekend & I'm ready for it. I hope everyone has a great Friday!
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This comment is completely redundant but I'll speak my mind anyway...
ReplyDeleteWhat went wrong in the relationship with your wife that you started to look for love somewhere other then in her arms?
Feel free to tell me to buzz of :) but since this is anonymous you might as well say..
Just trying to understand your point of view, and it would be idiotic of me to say what you should or shouldn't do (at least until I hear the whole story--that is IF I hear it)
Why do we stay? Because when it boils right down to it, we realize that we love our spouse. We will catch ourselves noticing something incredibly endearing or attractive in our spouse when we least expect it. I know I generally have these "ah ha" moments when my husband isn't aware that I'm watching him. I just watch him be himself, and I catch myself thinking how adorable he is, how good he is at what he does, how sweet he is, and the fact that we've had little time for the intimate part of our relationship pales in comparison to all of the other things he has to offer as a human being (not just as my husband). I think to myself, who else could really appreciate me for who I am like he does. Who would accept me and love me without trying to change me? Who would appreciate my input and respect my expertise, eat anything I cook and not be picky and always be thankful. Who would be as helpful as he is around the house? Who would encourage me to continue my education when they know it will take time away from them? I started noticing those traits that are not as obvious to see, and I fell in love with my husband again.
ReplyDeleteNow, I did realize that life was getting in the way of our intimate time together, so I brought it up to him. He explained that work had been difficult, and with the new changes at work it had been both physically and emotionally draining leaving him exhausted at the end of the day. I told him that I understand the problems with being tired, but to maintain the strength of our marriage, we needed to be more intentional and diligent to make time for the intimate side of our relationship (which doesn't only refer to sex but also to intimate conversation that keeps couples close). This takes constant revision to make work. Life changes too much to have a "one size fits all" view of intimacy.
I was ready to leave my marriage about this time last year. I had experienced a breach of my trust for him in the area of regular employment, and it really, really hurt me. I almost didn't permit him to come home. I was really worried toward the end of the year because I didn't feel love for him anymore--yes, this coming from someone who was just so ooey gooey about him just a minute ago. I spoke to a friend who told me that when we get married we don't just automatically love our spouse. When the lustful feelings are no longer there and our feelings for one another are more companionate, we have to choose to love our spouse. He said, when we CHOOSE to love our spouse then the feelings will come. I decided, heck--I'll try it. It totally changed the way I looked at things. I was able to forgive him for the former breach and see how hard he was working now. Once I got past my "pet" problem (you put your "pet" problem here), I was able to see ALL of the good things that the pet problem was preventing me from being able to see. I can put things in perspective now. It's almost like being too close to something. Sometimes you just have to step back to see the full picture.
Since I adopted this new perspective, I have had several validations that it is working. For example, we went out to eat and our waitress noticed something about us. When we were checking out, she said, you two look like you are SO in love! I looked at him and smiled. My heart swelled! This proved the change wasn't just in my head. Since that day, I have been head over heels for him again. I look forward to him coming home. I miss him when he works a lot (when before I couldn't wait to get away from him). I love to cook for him and hear him share much he enjoys my cooking (I had all but stopped cooking before). It has totally changed my behavior. All of this happened because I made a CHOICE to love him. AMAZING! Sometimes the problems aren't really as big as we make them. Sometimes the problem is just our perspective.
I'll be glad to answer to the best of my ability, after all thats part of the blogging experience for me. Being able to put my thoughts out there.
ReplyDeleteAs far as any one thing going wrong, I don't think there would be anything specific. I know the statement of "growing apart" is probably overused, but I think that is a big part of it. We have had our ups and downs, differences, arguements etc; over the last 18 years, but I didn't go looking for love anywhere. I had no intentions of "finding someone else". I started hearing little nice comments, eye contact that last longer than it should, touches on the arm or shoulder etc; then the conversations started, simple at first and progressevly getting more personnel. The more I got to know about this person and their beliefs, the deeper I fell in love. It was also infatuating to be getting attention from a person 20 years younger than my wife. At night I would go home to the same ole crap and it revolved like this for a long time. A person is only willing to put up with so much before they make a change. I guess I haven't reached that point yet. I can honestly saw that I am in a marriage of convienance in my opinion. Splitting up and dividing 18 years worth or possesions, bills, a home, etc; was an eye opening experience when I was at that point last year, it was more than I was prepared for.
I won't sit here and blame all my relationship problems on my wife, I can be needy, arguementative & sometimes demanding. For the most part though I am just a regular guy. I have always held a job, and usualy the top position wherever I worked. I come straight home, don't drink, and always remember occasions and occasionally buy flowers or some small thing for my wife for no reason.
One of our biggest problems is a difference in "drive" and I don't only mean sexual, but that is part of it. She dosen't have the energy that I do and is more of a home body than I care to be. She dosen't want to go out with other couples, but would rather go out with her children who are in their mid 20's. I on the other hand make an effort to have friends other than family members.
I don't know what else to say, I think I have pretty much covered the majority of my thoughts.
Opinions?
Yeah I see your point..not so long ago I read some article about "why men/women cheat" (not implying anything, it's just the name of that article)...in both cases the reason is basically "because the feel they don't get enough attention from their partners"..pretty "reasonable" (if I can use that word in this contekst).
ReplyDeleteThought that keeps me focused is treating my love the way I want to be treated (which is nothing new I know)..I keep looking at his good sides, why I feel in love in the first place...
I understand your reasons for falling for your collegue, we all need affection...and seems like you and your wife got used to each other, and then there's that "taking each other for granted" which is a terrible thing (generally speaking)...
How can one rekindle love?!
Have you tried talking about it?
I'm sure she feels lonely too at her side of the bed..
Often the problem is that partner is not taking care of himself/herself as much as at the beginning? If that's also the case, maybe starting some activity together...mutual support..starting small:)
Also...and this is very important..your wife probably has issues with herself, and when people start to appreciate themself less and less, people around them "suffer" too.
Make her feel good about who she is, no matter how long it will take..don't expect anything in return, because THEN we give the most of ourselves.
P.S. Have you thought about WHY you like your younger collegue? Maybe she reminds you of your wife a few years back..joyfull, happy, energetic, passionate?!...I believe you still have that at home, you just have to digg deep to find it :)
**sorry about the length of my "opinion"..lol