Interesting week

Well the first week of the new year is underway. I posted the week after Christmas that I had made up my mind to quit letting my mind run me ragged with the sweet young woman at work. I have held out for almost 2 weeks now and been very distant with her. Yesterday she stops me and asked me "what has she done wrong to make me mad"? I told her she had done nothing. She apologized for me being upset and I again told her she had done nothing wrong. She said that something had to have happened for me to have just quit talking to her. I told her I had thought about talking to her yesterday and when we got a minute I would explain. A bit later in private I really opened up to her about the way I had been feeling and that I had made a decision to quit worrying over the whole situation. I told her about spending a whole weekend away from home christmas weekend and thats when I made my decision to bury my self in work and quit hoping for something that wasn't going to happen. I told her that I thought the world of her and that I probably always would but I couldn't keep wanting something that was never going to be. I told her that there wasn't a man alive that would treat her any better than I would, but I just didn't feel I would ever be "good enough" for her. We talked about how things were when we first started talking and that not only was she a beautiful woman on the outside she was on the inside as well..etc etc etc. It really got pretty deep for awhile.

She mentioned me seeing her "non boyfriend" bring her daughter to work last week and she went to explaining that he had brought her to work for her, etc, etc that she had no one else to ask...blah blah blah. I told her that was her life and I had no say or control over it.

Today we did talk talk a little, nothing extreme. We talked quite a bit about her daughter, the presents I got her for Christmas and raising children. I did bring "my lil buddy" the 2 year old girl to see her today. We talked and played for a few minutes. The lil girl was tired and as we went to leave she threw her arms around me and layed her head on my shoulder. I can tell she is amazed at how the lil one takes to me. Alot of Mexican guys aren't that involved with little ones. She wished me a great weekend and a Happy Birthday (it's Sunday BTW) several times. Said she was bringing me some cheese cake on Tuesday (I took off tomorrow and Monday!!) She said she knew I couldn't take a whole cake home because my wife would see. Yesterday she asked if my wife had been to where I work checking up on me. I told her not that I know of. It 's probably more mind shit, but I will never quit wondering what would have happened if I had of left my wife last year. I am still going to be guarded and not let myself get back into the trap I was in before.

Things with the wife aren't any better...atleast not much. She has been a little more "outgoing" by fixing a meal I really like tonight and offering to feed my dogs last night when I had to work late. She also suggested having sex last night but I turned it down (it's been about 3 or 4 weeks now). I told her I just had no desire anymore after dealing with all the BS. I am to the point with her that I am not giving anymore. Sex was always her main weapon and I have taken that out of the equation. I honestly don't miss it that much after 19 years theres not a whole lot that's exciting. Her being tired, bitchy and gaining weight hasn't done anything to help either. She asked what I wanted for my B-day and I said nothing I told her on the phone if she wanted to do something I would like for her to make breakfast Sunday morning. She was hesitant and somewhat sarcastic with her "I guess so". When I got home I told her not to worry about it that I wouldn't enjoy it anyway after the way she acted when I asked.

Maybe it seems like I am being a bastard, but I have dealt with so much shit for such a long time I have decided to make things play my way for awhile!!! If you read all this thanks; please comment. I feel relieved to have a spot to blow off shit and it's nice to hear opinions!!