Ramblings of a Mad Man..........

Sorry I haven't written in quite awhile, it's been a busy week and it's hard to find "alone" time when I don't have to worry about someone seeing what I am writing.

The week went fairly well at work and I played it cool & tried to stick to business when dealing with the woman I was talking to last year, or should I say the woman that I am in love with. She still gives me mixed signals and it drives me crazy. I am pretty sure she went to lunch with her BF (the one she never admits she has) & my parents came over and had lunch with me today. I mentioned they were coming & after I got back to work she started talking to me and said that she had "peeked" out the window to see them. I asked her who she went to lunch with and she said one of her girlfriends. I don't know why she won't just up and say she is seeing someone, unless it is to just string me along. Or maybe she thinks it would hurt me to know. Today I mentioned it sounded like she was getting a cold and she said her hands were cold and put her hand on my face for a minute. I think it was more of a caress than anything, but I just let it ride. I feel like a damn inexperienced teenager writing all this, but these are the type of things that keep running through my mind. I don't know if it is my desperate attempt to hold on to my youth, or the fact that the things (as small as they may be sometimes) that I feel from her, are what I am missing at home.

I tried to get my wife to go with me on a trip tonight to a national forest and she said that she would be bored just riding and sitting around. There's about 250,000 acres to ride in & I had thought that it would be good for us to be together in a quiet place and be able to talk. I saw deer, fox, coyote and heard amazing songs from whipper-wills & other night birds, all while being able to enjoy just being outdoors. She wound up staying home and I wound up going alone. I can't even begin to think of the times I have went places or done things that she wanted to do, even though I had no interest in them. We have the partnership thing working overtime.....lol...NOT.

After writing one of my last blogs it was suggested by a friend to try facebook to locate the woman I mentioned whom I had known a long time ago. I signed up for the account and done a few searches. I found who I thought it may have been based off of her name and location (the pic she had was not real clear). I sent her a couple of messages to see if it could be her & never got a responce. I think she blocked me from viewing her profile, so either I am a long lost memory, or some poor woman thinks I am a stalker...lol.

In reference to the friend who suggested I try face book I think I pissed her off yesterday with an e-mail. I didn't do it intentionally, just mentioned a few things that I was unhappy with at home and whether or not she took it the wrong way or is just tired of hearing me complain I haven't heard from her at all today.

So right now I am batting 1000 when it comes to any type of GOOD relationship/interaction with women. I am generally a pretty likeable guy, funny, not to god awful looking & can carry on a conversation with just about anyone. I have some women friends & they tell me all kinds of stuff about their personel lives, laugh, joke etc; but thats just it were friends. When it comes to any type of deeper relationship I am falling short. The ones that I know things could go farther with are either not my type (not intended to anyone in specific) or know that I am married and won't persue anything other than a friendship. I can understand the ones who know I am married and I really don't want to be in an affair either, that wouldn't be fair to the person I was in it with and it being an affair would take away from the pleasure of loving someone and feeling loved. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I was willing to give 110 percent, go "all in" with the woman last year. I had planned to walk away from all that I had worked for the last 18 years with my wife. No I am not perfect, but there comes a time when you just get tired of trying.

Well I've been up 22 hours now, so I guess I'll end this and head to bed. As always, I welcome comments or opinions. Maybe by reading these ramblings someone will see something that I am not seeing and whip out their magical advice pencil and set me straight! I hope everyone has a Great Weekend. Mike

Same Sh** Different Day...

Damn I am tired of getting ticked off at the wife. Got up this morning and cooked breakfast for me and the wife. Made her coffee & we watched TV while we ate. Worked around the house in the yard this afternoon for several hours, got showers and dressed and went to the fair tonight. Checked that out for a couple hours , headed to Dunkin Doughnuts and got her a Vanilla Latte, went to Wally World to pick up a few things and on the way home I start hearing the tell tale signs that this isn't going to be a good night, I'm tired, it's late, etc;. Our daughter was at a friends house all day & I tried a few times to iniante a little playtime to no avail.

Sarcastically I told her as she was going to bed that "I'm glad we're on the same page", when she asked what I meant I said that I sure as hell had different plans for tonight than she did. The response of we can do something tomorrow, did very little to make me feel any better. So here it is 2 AM, I'm still wide awake and wondering why the hell I try to put any effort into something that is obviously broken.

Well guess I better hurry up and get to bed, tomorrow will be here before I know it....lol.

Me & The Dog...

Just sitting here spending some quality time with the dog. Everyone else is asleep, which seems to be the norm for my wife. We talked for maybe 10 minutes tonight. Then I got to watch her sleep in the recliner for a couple of hours, while I surfed the net. Then she finally slipped off to bed and told my daughter to tell me she was going to lay down. So I guess that the sum of being together for 19 years is I have a secretary to let me know the wife is going to sleep.

I had a really busy day at work today, which was good because the time passed quickly. I have pretty much avoided my little heartbreaker the last few days. It's still hard to see her everyday & not feel the desires from deep within poking their heads out (no pun intended).

I guess it would be quite obvious to see where the problem lies with my relationship issues. Their right here in black and white. On one hand feeling like you are just a piece of furniture in your own house and on the other hand getting compliments for someone who is young and beautiful, or getting comments from almost anyone who is the opposite sex. They say "it's a small world", and I would be willing to bet that statement could be proven true, by the number of people who read this little blog & admit that they have felt the same way with their spouses.

So what do we do about it? Why do we stay? If I knew the answer to those questions I would give the ShamWow guy a run for his money with my own TV commericial.

Well 1 more day until the weekend & I'm ready for it. I hope everyone has a great Friday!

Flat Line

Fighting off boredom and watching the clock tick by, the day finally ended. I am so glad that everyday isn't like today. The rush of getting back into the week happened yesterday. Today things were quiet, which I guess is good in some ways, but the lack of a challenge made the day drag by. Days like today tend to make my mind wander, but I avoided letting my dark eyed beauty rule my thoughts today which was a little hard to do.

I hope everyone has a good St Patty's day & I hope to have more to post tomorrow.

I think I can, I think I can...

I guess the title is as good as any for a Monday. The weekend is wearing off and the reality of work slaps us all in the face first thing this morning. For some the shock won't be that bad, for others it's a thing of dread. I lean towards the first group of people as I have always worked and I pretty much like my job. Some of the people I work with make the day trying and for those pitiful souls who have no life and look forward to making things harder on everyone, I hope you all have flat tires on the way home.

The beautiful soul who lives with in my heart said she had a great weekend, visited her Dad and Brother, so that was one less worry for me today. We didn't talk a whole lot today as I have stepped back since her birthday. No need to torture myself with things I have no control over.

Going along with today's theme...Why do we put ourselves in the positions that we do. Always striving for something beyond our reach, hoping that this time it will be different, willing to sell our souls for the thing we so desire. It has to be the ongoing process of natural selection. Otherwise we would settle for what life hands us, live off the scraps of those that strive for perfection & be the court jesters for those that did work to better themselves. So for everyone who got up this morning and headed out to their jobs, strapped on their "OK I'm ready, throw it at me helmets" Way to go!! I hope that some part of today no matter how little it may have been made you feel like you accomplished what you set out to do.............

To The Top of The Mountain....

I've been re-reading my Blog and it would seem that I am just a poor love sick little puppy all the time. There is a lot more to life than the hurt feelings from a failed relationship. I have friends, a good position in my company, get out and do things on the weekend, just bought a new truck and occasionally do have fun with my wife. I do have the feelings that I have posted in my previous posts and that is one of the reasons I started this blog. To be able to put pen to paper and express my thoughts is great. To tell someone else what I think and how I am feeling is relieving, it's not like I can discuss this with my wife...lol. Getting feedback through comments and having followers is exciting. I am sure that others have been in similar positions and true to human nature have got through the hurt and moved forward. I guess the fact that we feel hurt is validation that we truly do/did care for the one that made us feel this way. It's a shame that something so wonderful can also be so devastating.

I think that everyone during their life will have that "Special Love" & whether or not it actually works out and you get to spend your life with that person is just the luck of the draw. I am not talking about dating or relationships that are just so so. I mean the feeling of being connected from deep within your heart. My first experience with this feeling was 22 years ago with a beautiful blond haired young woman named Leah. I still think about her often and wonder how her life turned out. We would talk for hours and had so much in common. This relationship wasn't based on sex, because she was married and we never did have sex. Her husband got a job in South Florida and they had to move. After she left we wrote each other letters (this was before the Internet...lol) and would talk on the phone once in awhile. Eventually we drifted apart, with the promise that one day we would see each other again. Well 22 years later I still think about her often & would not hesitate to meet her anywhere if we were to get in contact again.

Concerning my blog I plan to continue posting about things I am currently experiencing and I'm sure I will put experiences from the past in the spotlight once in awhile. I may even post a few love letters that I wrote last year to the woman who currently has placed herself in my heart......

The Dreaded Weekend.....

The week has passed by quickly, I dread the thought of telling you that "I hope you have a good weekend". Though it's only two short days, I feel lost & helpless. I know I will be thinking of you and hoping that everything is going well. The memory of seeing you Monday, eyes swollen from crying and hearing the words "I had a terrible weekend" are still fresh in my mind. I never did get a straight answer as to what happened, I just know that something or someone hurt you. The sick feeling that I had when you told me has went away, but I curse the fact that I wasn't able to be there for you. I hate that our differences were enough to keep me from being able to share myself with you, to be your shoulder to lean on, your protector & friend. The thought that someone could be so uncaring about your feelings frustrates me. Why can't he be on the outside looking in? I truly do wish for you to be happy, even at the expense of my unhappiness.

I will find things to do, some will be productive and others in the hope that my mind will not dwell on things I have no control over. My wife is unaware of the thoughts I am having. We don't have a lot in common & the few interests that we do share are clouded by tension, hurt feelings and unfulfilled desires. Our frail efforts to coexist darken the already cloudy atmosphere. The time will pass slowly as my thoughts of someone else make each minute seem like an eternity.

Monday will come, I will look for you shortly after I get to work and pray that your eyes are shineing and that you are smiling. I will ask how your weekend was and hope to hear the words that make me happy..."I had a great weekend". The week will pass quickly, each night a condensed version of the weekend to come. Why do the days seem like minutes and the nights seem like days. ............

Climb Aboard, Lets go for a ride...

I guess we have all been there, anxious, excited, caught up in the moment, Lusting, Ego busting at the seams, all of which make us vulnerable. I guess it's human nature to always assume that what your eyes see and your heart feels is the truth. There may be some truth to the things we are feeling, but in actuality just how much of it is real, I mean really real. Our desires to feel wanted, needed and loved cloud our minds and our thoughts. How often do we see the reality of things after it is to late?


It's at this point that we realize that we have been taken for a ride, scammed ourselves and if we are lucky walked away with only a few scars on our hearts. I have taken this ride more times than I care to remember. Everytime I get on that train I go fully packed, all in, and willing to give 110%. Maybe this is where I make my biggest mistake. Hmmm...I should take it easy, close my mind & block my feelings and see what happens from there. Then what would be the point? The excitement is the fuel that makes the fire burn.

Are you feeling it yet?

Well I hope everyone's day was a little better than mine. In case you haven't checked my profile I turned 42 last month. I have been married for longer than I care to remember (18 years) and have a daughter who will turn 18 in August. You would think with a little age some of the stupidity that you experienced growing up would go away & I guess a little of it did. When it comes to matters of the heart it's a whole different story though. Getting to the point, I fell in love with a beautiful 26 year old woman last year. We work together and had talked a few times in the past, the funny thing about her is that I never "really" noticed her, but once I did I was knocked off my feet. We started sharing and getting to know more and more about each other and the more I talked to her the deeper I fell. I was happy with that and went as far as making plans to leave my wife and get a place of my own. She had just got divorced from a man who was 12 years older than her, so the age difference didn't seem to matter. Whether it was the fact that I was serious or maybe it was the age difference she decided that we should quit talking. She was always concerned that I was married and that she didn't want to be the cause of me leaving. She wouldn't have been the cause, but she surely gave me the courage to make some tough decisions. Maybe I just drug my feet to long. Any way we still talk, and share little bits and pieces about our lives, her daughter, my daughter stuff etc. I always try to remember occasions, valentines day, birthday, mothers day etc. For valentines I got her a gift certificate for a pedicure and bought her a nice lunch. Her birthday was yesterday and I got her a couple of gift certificates to Olive Garden for her and her daughter and bought her a really nice cake. When I gave her the gift certificates I put them in a crappy little card. I told her that wasn't the card I would have normally chosen for her, but I wasn't sure she would like the one I felt like giving her. After talking for awhile she said she would have liked to of saw it. So I (like a fool) went and bought her the card I had seen, which was one of the sweetest love cards I had ever saw. The 2 statements that rang true with me were "when I first realized that I was in love with you, my eyes took a picture and placed it in my heart" the other was "when I first looked into your eyes I saw the future that I wanted". Well she was suprised with the card and asked if I meant it. I told her I did and then today she got flowers from someone else. When I asked her about them she said they were from a secret admirer. I know she was seeing someone else after we quit talking, but she won't mention his name, although I know who he is and when I said "I guess I'm just wasting my time" she brings up the "your married comment again".
So whether or not your feeling it, I sure am feeling like a fool all over again. Love can be wonderful, but it is also a cruel cruel thing.......

Today is the Day

Today is my first day in the blogging world. Not that I am unfamiliar with expressing my opinions or thoughts. I do this regularly, sometimes to the disapproval of whom I'm talking with and other times my thoughts are appreciated. I have a position that requires me to make decisions all day long. Sometimes I have to "fly by the seat of my pants" & just make things happen. It's easy to be in control of making decisions for the well being of a company, making decisions that are for your personal well being are often more difficult. I have made both good and bad decisions during my lifetime & a wise old man once told me as long as your right 51% of the time you will do fine. Now personally I would like to have better odds than that, but I guess even a small advantage is better than none at all.
One area in my life that I have not always made the wisest decisions is in taking care of myself and in my love life... Everyone says that hindsight is 20/20 and even though that may be true, it doesn't do anything to help correct decisions that you have made in the past. If hindsight is 20 /20 it's a shame that it dosen't come with the option of time travel. I would like to go back to my teen years with the knowledge that I have now. Not only would I be a STUD...lol, I would make a lot of changes. Another saying that rings true is "life isn't fair" and although I don't know how fair it is supposed to be, I do know that it is cruel. I will share more about that a little later, I have so many things to unload and Hopefully by doing so someone will learn from my mistakes or possibly be comfortable enough to add your opinions from time to time..........

If any of the younger crowd happens to be bored enough to read this far, First off I am so sorry for you, but secondly Cherish the times you are living in right now.