Letter to My Darling

I wrote the following for my special someone. Although we have not been as close as we were a year ago I still want to be with her so badly. I asked if she would like me to write her a letter and she said yes. After she read it she told me how much she liked it and even thought I had took some of it from a book. I will always care for her even if we never get together...... So tell me Ladies why would someone want to get a letter like this if they didn't have feelings for someone? I have written her several in the past and she said she has them all? Fill me in. What is the deal?

I hope when this letter finds you that you are having a great day! It has been along time since I have written....To Long.... even though I have not put my thoughts onto paper in quite awhile; thoughts of you are always on my mind. Whether it is a long weekend or just overnight I think about you often. I am forever hoping that things go well for you & that you are happy in life. You have had so much happening in the last few months and so many times I have wished that I was able to take away all your troubles. I felt so bad when your puppy was lost, seeing you hurting and knowing the hurt you were feeling for your daughter’s loss broke my heart. I wished everyday to be able to comfort you and take away your pain. The sad thing is that the things that make you the wonderful person are the same things that cause you so much pain when something goes wrong. You are a very caring person & have an extremely big heart. There are so many little things that make you the unique person that you are. I love to see your dimples when you smile, your attitude change when you are playful and even the way you talk a little louder when you are trying to get your point across.

One reason I wanted to write was to be able to say things that I find hard to say in person. I care about you a lot and love to see you when you are happy.I wish that I could openly tell everyone how special you are. I would love to spend time with you and not have to look over my shoulder to see who is watching. I dream of being able to take you places you have never saw and to see your amazement when you see something that is new and exciting. I’d like to be there to congratulate you on your accomplishments and to be a steadfast support in a time of need. I could endlessly tell you how wonderful you are and be sincere with every word. I could tell you how great I feel when I have your attention or to tell you how I am mesmerized by your beauty. Whether these things mean anything to you, I don’t know. There are so many things I would like to say, but I find myself holding back. I find it hard to tell you the doubts I have about myself, or how I wonder what would make me a better person. I would love to be able to share my inner most dreams, fears and desires with you, but I am always scared to venture that far. I don’t want to impose or burden you. I want to be special in your eyes. I guess in a way me writing these things down is in a way me being selfish, by asking you to hear my thoughts & desires even though they may not be yours.

A long time ago I told you that you would always have a place in my heart. This I know is true........

updating

Just updating and blowing off a little steam. No eloquent words, no BS, just letting it fly. I had a 4 days weekend off with the wife. I tried to do a little re-building while we were off and wasted another 4 days along with the almost 19 years we have put into this marriage. We did have sex one night out of 5 which I was unhappy with. I took her out every night to eat, went to the movies once, shopping riding around etc. By this afternoon we were talking divorce. That stemmed from me being upset that my 18 year old daughters and her BF think it is OK to lay around my house until 2 or 3 in the morning, way past the time I have gone to bed. I get jumped by the wife and by the daughter because I seem to have a problem with this. I offered to go talk with a counselor with the wife if she wanted to & see if we had anything worth saving. I'm not perfect, but I am so fed up with all the BS of marriage, life & responsibilities. At the same time I am scared to death to just step away. Being with someone for 19 years you get attached. I feel sick, tired and wonder why the hell do we as people keep trying. I think about saying to hell with it all quite often, but usually something will snap me back in line. I feel like a rubber band and keep wondering when the hell I will finally snap. Well time to go get in the bed with someone I hate and suck it up for another day. We'll see what tomorrow brings. PS. Nothing new with the woman I care alot about., Haven't had much to say to her the last couple of days. I pretty much have kept to myself other than the niceties of saying hello and speaking occasionally. I did tell her I was having a bad day today and later this afternoon she asked where I had been? No time to dwell on that fiasco. ... Heading to spend another lonely night with my wife.

Merry-Go-Round Man......

It's been along time since I have been on an actual Merry-Go-Round, but in my mind I travel on one everyday. I torture myself with thoughts and feelings, going around and around, one minute stepping away and the next getting ever so close. Spinning around, offering my Heart & Soul, Sternly telling myself to stay away, then coming back again. All the while knowing full well I am wasting my time. Does the heart control the mind or does the mind control the heart? That thought has perplexed me terribly lately. Regardless of which is in control the end result is cruel.
Wanting to be good enough, wishing I could control time, striving to better myself, then saying to hell with it. There is no time limit or schedule, the speed is not always the same, but the ride keeps going around and around. The only constant is that the scenry never changes. I feel myself getting closer to her. My eyes seek her out, there she is, I am hers, my words say it with sincerity, my heart is warmed. She speaks in riddles, not wanting to commit. I listen closely hearing her compliments and then sensing her apprehension. I am hung on her every word. I say more than I should, I bare my soul, I tell her I will always be there if she needs me. I am reminded that I am married, the Merry-Go-round keeps turning. I am getting farther away. I start doubting myself, I'm not good enough, to old, Wish I was more handsome, fit, cut, to hell with it. The scenery is still the same and the ride will not stop.................