It's been along time since I have been on an actual Merry-Go-Round, but in my mind I travel on one everyday. I torture myself with thoughts and feelings, going around and around, one minute stepping away and the next getting ever so close. Spinning around, offering my Heart & Soul, Sternly telling myself to stay away, then coming back again. All the while knowing full well I am wasting my time. Does the heart control the mind or does the mind control the heart? That thought has perplexed me terribly lately. Regardless of which is in control the end result is cruel.
Wanting to be good enough, wishing I could control time, striving to better myself, then saying to hell with it. There is no time limit or schedule, the speed is not always the same, but the ride keeps going around and around. The only constant is that the scenry never changes. I feel myself getting closer to her. My eyes seek her out, there she is, I am hers, my words say it with sincerity, my heart is warmed. She speaks in riddles, not wanting to commit. I listen closely hearing her compliments and then sensing her apprehension. I am hung on her every word. I say more than I should, I bare my soul, I tell her I will always be there if she needs me. I am reminded that I am married, the Merry-Go-round keeps turning. I am getting farther away. I start doubting myself, I'm not good enough, to old, Wish I was more handsome, fit, cut, to hell with it. The scenery is still the same and the ride will not stop.................
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Wow just amazing word expressions!
ReplyDeleteI've read this like 3-times, so incredibly heartfelt, and also sad in a way?
You have to ask yourself the question, what do I seek, what do I need, what do I really want from this short lived life, and are my decisions OK?
Best to you,
Meagan