I am glad to read some positive posts.....

I have read several posts lately and I am glad that everything is not always negative. One thing that strikes me odd on several of the posts is that people are having the most fun when you are either with someone strange or by yourself. Not many of us post fun things that we do with our significant others. Is that because we don't do that many fun things with our significant others? or do we take them for granted and they don't come to the fore front of our minds?

After reading the responses to the letter I posted the other day I have done a 180 and have been avoiding the person I was referring to. This I guess is the most logical thing to do, but at the same time it has taken away one of the things that I really looked forward to, my fun thing. It feels good to be complimented by someone young and beautiful. Beats the hell out of arguing with the wife! Another positive thing I received from talking with her was the conversation. Sharing things that are going on with me and hearing about the things she is dealing with, that was really nice. There are alot of days I may speak 10 words or less with my wife. I catch myself hanging around work later and later just to avoid coming home. Even though I may be in my office away from the action I can always walk out and talk with someone. When I finally decide to leave may call my brother or parents just to chat on the 50 min ride home. I will call home and ask if anything is needed, but the conversations are short and uncaring, just like the offer I had to have sex with the wife tonight (which I turned down). Just a tip for the ladies.... don't tell the hubby to go ahead and get a shower so you can go have sex soon, because your tired and want to go to sleep. I guess that I should be happy she made the offer, hell it's only been close to 2 weeks.

Sorry if I have been negative for like.....forever. I am really not that type of person. Although I have allowed myself to dwell on the negative way to much lately. I like to laugh and joke. I am first in line to crack a joke and always have a quick comeback for a friendly verbal jab. I like doing fun things and I have a ton of energy to expend. It's not uncommon for me to stay up 17-20 hours on Friday & Saturday. I'm a night owl by nature, the later it gets the more alert I become. I can talk to almost anyone and have a great conversation, but no matter who I am talking with I can't (or won't) tell them the thoughts I am really having. There is one lady who lives a couple of hours from me who knows the things I have been going through and I even met her once to talk at lunch, but other than her and the folks here at blogspot thats it. Well tomorrows the day after Thursday so I better get to bed and Friday will finally be here! Thanks for listening.

Boring Shit

I Guess my last post was the same ole boring shit. I kind of like to hear opinions or comments on posts as I make several to the ones I follow, not all grant you, but several. I post to get feedback and hopefully your valuable opinions when I ask questions. Let me know if the crap is boring and I'll save my time.

Letter to My Darling

I wrote the following for my special someone. Although we have not been as close as we were a year ago I still want to be with her so badly. I asked if she would like me to write her a letter and she said yes. After she read it she told me how much she liked it and even thought I had took some of it from a book. I will always care for her even if we never get together...... So tell me Ladies why would someone want to get a letter like this if they didn't have feelings for someone? I have written her several in the past and she said she has them all? Fill me in. What is the deal?

I hope when this letter finds you that you are having a great day! It has been along time since I have written....To Long.... even though I have not put my thoughts onto paper in quite awhile; thoughts of you are always on my mind. Whether it is a long weekend or just overnight I think about you often. I am forever hoping that things go well for you & that you are happy in life. You have had so much happening in the last few months and so many times I have wished that I was able to take away all your troubles. I felt so bad when your puppy was lost, seeing you hurting and knowing the hurt you were feeling for your daughter’s loss broke my heart. I wished everyday to be able to comfort you and take away your pain. The sad thing is that the things that make you the wonderful person are the same things that cause you so much pain when something goes wrong. You are a very caring person & have an extremely big heart. There are so many little things that make you the unique person that you are. I love to see your dimples when you smile, your attitude change when you are playful and even the way you talk a little louder when you are trying to get your point across.

One reason I wanted to write was to be able to say things that I find hard to say in person. I care about you a lot and love to see you when you are happy.I wish that I could openly tell everyone how special you are. I would love to spend time with you and not have to look over my shoulder to see who is watching. I dream of being able to take you places you have never saw and to see your amazement when you see something that is new and exciting. I’d like to be there to congratulate you on your accomplishments and to be a steadfast support in a time of need. I could endlessly tell you how wonderful you are and be sincere with every word. I could tell you how great I feel when I have your attention or to tell you how I am mesmerized by your beauty. Whether these things mean anything to you, I don’t know. There are so many things I would like to say, but I find myself holding back. I find it hard to tell you the doubts I have about myself, or how I wonder what would make me a better person. I would love to be able to share my inner most dreams, fears and desires with you, but I am always scared to venture that far. I don’t want to impose or burden you. I want to be special in your eyes. I guess in a way me writing these things down is in a way me being selfish, by asking you to hear my thoughts & desires even though they may not be yours.

A long time ago I told you that you would always have a place in my heart. This I know is true........

updating

Just updating and blowing off a little steam. No eloquent words, no BS, just letting it fly. I had a 4 days weekend off with the wife. I tried to do a little re-building while we were off and wasted another 4 days along with the almost 19 years we have put into this marriage. We did have sex one night out of 5 which I was unhappy with. I took her out every night to eat, went to the movies once, shopping riding around etc. By this afternoon we were talking divorce. That stemmed from me being upset that my 18 year old daughters and her BF think it is OK to lay around my house until 2 or 3 in the morning, way past the time I have gone to bed. I get jumped by the wife and by the daughter because I seem to have a problem with this. I offered to go talk with a counselor with the wife if she wanted to & see if we had anything worth saving. I'm not perfect, but I am so fed up with all the BS of marriage, life & responsibilities. At the same time I am scared to death to just step away. Being with someone for 19 years you get attached. I feel sick, tired and wonder why the hell do we as people keep trying. I think about saying to hell with it all quite often, but usually something will snap me back in line. I feel like a rubber band and keep wondering when the hell I will finally snap. Well time to go get in the bed with someone I hate and suck it up for another day. We'll see what tomorrow brings. PS. Nothing new with the woman I care alot about., Haven't had much to say to her the last couple of days. I pretty much have kept to myself other than the niceties of saying hello and speaking occasionally. I did tell her I was having a bad day today and later this afternoon she asked where I had been? No time to dwell on that fiasco. ... Heading to spend another lonely night with my wife.

Merry-Go-Round Man......

It's been along time since I have been on an actual Merry-Go-Round, but in my mind I travel on one everyday. I torture myself with thoughts and feelings, going around and around, one minute stepping away and the next getting ever so close. Spinning around, offering my Heart & Soul, Sternly telling myself to stay away, then coming back again. All the while knowing full well I am wasting my time. Does the heart control the mind or does the mind control the heart? That thought has perplexed me terribly lately. Regardless of which is in control the end result is cruel.
Wanting to be good enough, wishing I could control time, striving to better myself, then saying to hell with it. There is no time limit or schedule, the speed is not always the same, but the ride keeps going around and around. The only constant is that the scenry never changes. I feel myself getting closer to her. My eyes seek her out, there she is, I am hers, my words say it with sincerity, my heart is warmed. She speaks in riddles, not wanting to commit. I listen closely hearing her compliments and then sensing her apprehension. I am hung on her every word. I say more than I should, I bare my soul, I tell her I will always be there if she needs me. I am reminded that I am married, the Merry-Go-round keeps turning. I am getting farther away. I start doubting myself, I'm not good enough, to old, Wish I was more handsome, fit, cut, to hell with it. The scenery is still the same and the ride will not stop.................

Fate???

I thought it was weird how similiar my Singles Horoscope and my Chinese Horoscope were today. Maybe I should listen more closely to them.

Chinese:
It's not unusual for the most appealing thing to be that which is most unattainable. If you suffer from a mild obsession with something or someone that is beyond your grasp, you may wish to find another diversion until the fixation passes. Would you still crave the object of your desire as much if it were yours to keep?

Daily Singles Horoscope:
Look closely at this person, no matter how enticing he or she seems. Does this pretty package actually have anything on the inside? Not getting what you want actually proves to be very valuable.

I have backed off from the person I am crazy about. It's kind of hard to compete with a 23 year old when your 42. I haven't really been competing, but I damn sure make him work hard to keep what he's got. I treat her with the respect she deserves and he knows it...lol. She never will admit that she's dating someone, but I know better and told her the other day I wasn't a dumbass.

Just for the record...SSDD at home with the wife. Thats a story for another day. I hope everyone is doing well!
Mike

Bitching again...

Well it's been awhile since I stopped in to unload here at my blog so here it goes..... I woke up yesterday to having an arguement with the wife the Very First Thing in the morning. I thought about it on my way to work and texted her the following ..."Counseling or quits? We need to make a decision here. There is no need to keep tearing each other apart." Well she had a different attitude that afternoon when I got home. I still don't think a damn thing is solved, but "once again" she knows I am tired of the shit. I doubt anything will change and after 18 years I guess we are just mulling along like a creature of habit will do. One day something will snap, a line will be crossed just a little to far and I am sure we will seperate.

I think about my options all the time, I have saved a little money on the side that she is unaware of and in a pinch I have a place to go. I am generally a strong free willed person, but have fell into a life of convieance. It's to easy to come home and avoid her if things aren't going well to be driven to leave. Last year I was anxious to go, I had someone to go to. Someone better, Someone new. Why didn't I leave then? Scared, stupid, compliacent or a combination of all three. I'm 42 and hate the thougth of starting over. My daughter turns 18 in 11 days, that will be a relief also!

Oh well, I will get back to dreaming in my mind and waiting until the day the line is crossed or something snaps.