I have been reading some of the blogs of folks who follow me and I don't know if it is coincidence or if God is trying to tell me something. Megan at Life's Happenings had this David Burns quote at the top of her last blog... "There is only one person who can ever make you happy and that person is you". Alpha ButtonPusher had this one... " Happiness is not something you have in your hands, it is something you carry in your heart".
Both of these quotes refer to what I am looking for "Happiness". Maybe I am looking in the wrong place and need to look deeper within myself. It all sounds so easy, it's the getting started that is the hardest. I have always said I have a type A personality and as a part of that personality you tend to want to excel. It is hard to admit that you have failed. I tend to over analyze everything and sometimes my stubborn streak kicks in and I won't admit defeat.
How did I get to the point I am now? I guess it started with "giving" myself to someone else. I was truly in love with my wife (at least I thought I was) & I guess that is when my guard was lowered. Over the years ( 18 & 1/2) you keep bending, twisting and giving until what you formerly known as "yourself" has disappeared and you are now someone else. How do we turn back time and get to where we used to be? I think this is one reason I fell so hard for the person last year. She is much younger than me (16 years) and I think she took me back to a place that I wish I was in.
So here I sit with good advice from 2 different people contemplating how to make the necessary changes to achieve the goal I am after.......Happiness.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Time Marches on....
Well it's Saturday again, I haven't been putting much effort into writing. I felt as if I was
re-hashing the same old things over and over again. To be honest I don't have alot to talk about now, but I am bored and ticked off once again with the wife so I am just killing time. I don't feel the passion I had when I started blogging, Maybe writing everything down helped get it out of my system. Spent a good part of the afternoon at the dentist office yesterday and took the wife to a gospel sing for a couple of hours last night. Then we worked around the house most of the day today. Watched the movie "7 Pounds" tonight (I thought it was really good). Rosario Dawson is so beautiful and reminds me alot of the woman I want to be with. If you read about her at wikapedia she had a really rough start in life, but has done very well for herself!
Things aren't progressing any farther with the woman I was talking with & I have been making a strong effort to just let it go. I still see her everyday during the week at work and it sure is hard to want to be with someone so badly, but to keep telling yourself it isn't going to happen & that it's probably for the best. If everything in life worked out the way we wanted it to, there would be no pleasure in occasionally getting what you desire.
My nephew has his 5th birthday party tomorrow so I will be going to visit with him. I teased him a few weeks ago and told him I had bought him some Barbie dolls & he flat out told me to not bring them. He didn't want any part of a doll...lol.
I hope everyone has a good weekend. I am ready to just take a week off and go somewhere, anywhere, but preferably somewhere I have never been before. I ideally would like to go by myself, because going with the wife would invariably wind up in some sort of argument and void the purpose of getting away.
Take care,
Mike
re-hashing the same old things over and over again. To be honest I don't have alot to talk about now, but I am bored and ticked off once again with the wife so I am just killing time. I don't feel the passion I had when I started blogging, Maybe writing everything down helped get it out of my system. Spent a good part of the afternoon at the dentist office yesterday and took the wife to a gospel sing for a couple of hours last night. Then we worked around the house most of the day today. Watched the movie "7 Pounds" tonight (I thought it was really good). Rosario Dawson is so beautiful and reminds me alot of the woman I want to be with. If you read about her at wikapedia she had a really rough start in life, but has done very well for herself!
Things aren't progressing any farther with the woman I was talking with & I have been making a strong effort to just let it go. I still see her everyday during the week at work and it sure is hard to want to be with someone so badly, but to keep telling yourself it isn't going to happen & that it's probably for the best. If everything in life worked out the way we wanted it to, there would be no pleasure in occasionally getting what you desire.
My nephew has his 5th birthday party tomorrow so I will be going to visit with him. I teased him a few weeks ago and told him I had bought him some Barbie dolls & he flat out told me to not bring them. He didn't want any part of a doll...lol.
I hope everyone has a good weekend. I am ready to just take a week off and go somewhere, anywhere, but preferably somewhere I have never been before. I ideally would like to go by myself, because going with the wife would invariably wind up in some sort of argument and void the purpose of getting away.
Take care,
Mike
Friday, March 27, 2009
Ramblings of a Mad Man..........
Sorry I haven't written in quite awhile, it's been a busy week and it's hard to find "alone" time when I don't have to worry about someone seeing what I am writing.
The week went fairly well at work and I played it cool & tried to stick to business when dealing with the woman I was talking to last year, or should I say the woman that I am in love with. She still gives me mixed signals and it drives me crazy. I am pretty sure she went to lunch with her BF (the one she never admits she has) & my parents came over and had lunch with me today. I mentioned they were coming & after I got back to work she started talking to me and said that she had "peeked" out the window to see them. I asked her who she went to lunch with and she said one of her girlfriends. I don't know why she won't just up and say she is seeing someone, unless it is to just string me along. Or maybe she thinks it would hurt me to know. Today I mentioned it sounded like she was getting a cold and she said her hands were cold and put her hand on my face for a minute. I think it was more of a caress than anything, but I just let it ride. I feel like a damn inexperienced teenager writing all this, but these are the type of things that keep running through my mind. I don't know if it is my desperate attempt to hold on to my youth, or the fact that the things (as small as they may be sometimes) that I feel from her, are what I am missing at home.
I tried to get my wife to go with me on a trip tonight to a national forest and she said that she would be bored just riding and sitting around. There's about 250,000 acres to ride in & I had thought that it would be good for us to be together in a quiet place and be able to talk. I saw deer, fox, coyote and heard amazing songs from whipper-wills & other night birds, all while being able to enjoy just being outdoors. She wound up staying home and I wound up going alone. I can't even begin to think of the times I have went places or done things that she wanted to do, even though I had no interest in them. We have the partnership thing working overtime.....lol...NOT.
After writing one of my last blogs it was suggested by a friend to try facebook to locate the woman I mentioned whom I had known a long time ago. I signed up for the account and done a few searches. I found who I thought it may have been based off of her name and location (the pic she had was not real clear). I sent her a couple of messages to see if it could be her & never got a responce. I think she blocked me from viewing her profile, so either I am a long lost memory, or some poor woman thinks I am a stalker...lol.
In reference to the friend who suggested I try face book I think I pissed her off yesterday with an e-mail. I didn't do it intentionally, just mentioned a few things that I was unhappy with at home and whether or not she took it the wrong way or is just tired of hearing me complain I haven't heard from her at all today.
So right now I am batting 1000 when it comes to any type of GOOD relationship/interaction with women. I am generally a pretty likeable guy, funny, not to god awful looking & can carry on a conversation with just about anyone. I have some women friends & they tell me all kinds of stuff about their personel lives, laugh, joke etc; but thats just it were friends. When it comes to any type of deeper relationship I am falling short. The ones that I know things could go farther with are either not my type (not intended to anyone in specific) or know that I am married and won't persue anything other than a friendship. I can understand the ones who know I am married and I really don't want to be in an affair either, that wouldn't be fair to the person I was in it with and it being an affair would take away from the pleasure of loving someone and feeling loved. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I was willing to give 110 percent, go "all in" with the woman last year. I had planned to walk away from all that I had worked for the last 18 years with my wife. No I am not perfect, but there comes a time when you just get tired of trying.
Well I've been up 22 hours now, so I guess I'll end this and head to bed. As always, I welcome comments or opinions. Maybe by reading these ramblings someone will see something that I am not seeing and whip out their magical advice pencil and set me straight! I hope everyone has a Great Weekend. Mike
The week went fairly well at work and I played it cool & tried to stick to business when dealing with the woman I was talking to last year, or should I say the woman that I am in love with. She still gives me mixed signals and it drives me crazy. I am pretty sure she went to lunch with her BF (the one she never admits she has) & my parents came over and had lunch with me today. I mentioned they were coming & after I got back to work she started talking to me and said that she had "peeked" out the window to see them. I asked her who she went to lunch with and she said one of her girlfriends. I don't know why she won't just up and say she is seeing someone, unless it is to just string me along. Or maybe she thinks it would hurt me to know. Today I mentioned it sounded like she was getting a cold and she said her hands were cold and put her hand on my face for a minute. I think it was more of a caress than anything, but I just let it ride. I feel like a damn inexperienced teenager writing all this, but these are the type of things that keep running through my mind. I don't know if it is my desperate attempt to hold on to my youth, or the fact that the things (as small as they may be sometimes) that I feel from her, are what I am missing at home.
I tried to get my wife to go with me on a trip tonight to a national forest and she said that she would be bored just riding and sitting around. There's about 250,000 acres to ride in & I had thought that it would be good for us to be together in a quiet place and be able to talk. I saw deer, fox, coyote and heard amazing songs from whipper-wills & other night birds, all while being able to enjoy just being outdoors. She wound up staying home and I wound up going alone. I can't even begin to think of the times I have went places or done things that she wanted to do, even though I had no interest in them. We have the partnership thing working overtime.....lol...NOT.
After writing one of my last blogs it was suggested by a friend to try facebook to locate the woman I mentioned whom I had known a long time ago. I signed up for the account and done a few searches. I found who I thought it may have been based off of her name and location (the pic she had was not real clear). I sent her a couple of messages to see if it could be her & never got a responce. I think she blocked me from viewing her profile, so either I am a long lost memory, or some poor woman thinks I am a stalker...lol.
In reference to the friend who suggested I try face book I think I pissed her off yesterday with an e-mail. I didn't do it intentionally, just mentioned a few things that I was unhappy with at home and whether or not she took it the wrong way or is just tired of hearing me complain I haven't heard from her at all today.
So right now I am batting 1000 when it comes to any type of GOOD relationship/interaction with women. I am generally a pretty likeable guy, funny, not to god awful looking & can carry on a conversation with just about anyone. I have some women friends & they tell me all kinds of stuff about their personel lives, laugh, joke etc; but thats just it were friends. When it comes to any type of deeper relationship I am falling short. The ones that I know things could go farther with are either not my type (not intended to anyone in specific) or know that I am married and won't persue anything other than a friendship. I can understand the ones who know I am married and I really don't want to be in an affair either, that wouldn't be fair to the person I was in it with and it being an affair would take away from the pleasure of loving someone and feeling loved. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I was willing to give 110 percent, go "all in" with the woman last year. I had planned to walk away from all that I had worked for the last 18 years with my wife. No I am not perfect, but there comes a time when you just get tired of trying.
Well I've been up 22 hours now, so I guess I'll end this and head to bed. As always, I welcome comments or opinions. Maybe by reading these ramblings someone will see something that I am not seeing and whip out their magical advice pencil and set me straight! I hope everyone has a Great Weekend. Mike
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Same Sh** Different Day...
Damn I am tired of getting ticked off at the wife. Got up this morning and cooked breakfast for me and the wife. Made her coffee & we watched TV while we ate. Worked around the house in the yard this afternoon for several hours, got showers and dressed and went to the fair tonight. Checked that out for a couple hours , headed to Dunkin Doughnuts and got her a Vanilla Latte, went to Wally World to pick up a few things and on the way home I start hearing the tell tale signs that this isn't going to be a good night, I'm tired, it's late, etc;. Our daughter was at a friends house all day & I tried a few times to iniante a little playtime to no avail.
Sarcastically I told her as she was going to bed that "I'm glad we're on the same page", when she asked what I meant I said that I sure as hell had different plans for tonight than she did. The response of we can do something tomorrow, did very little to make me feel any better. So here it is 2 AM, I'm still wide awake and wondering why the hell I try to put any effort into something that is obviously broken.
Well guess I better hurry up and get to bed, tomorrow will be here before I know it....lol.
Sarcastically I told her as she was going to bed that "I'm glad we're on the same page", when she asked what I meant I said that I sure as hell had different plans for tonight than she did. The response of we can do something tomorrow, did very little to make me feel any better. So here it is 2 AM, I'm still wide awake and wondering why the hell I try to put any effort into something that is obviously broken.
Well guess I better hurry up and get to bed, tomorrow will be here before I know it....lol.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Me & The Dog...
Just sitting here spending some quality time with the dog. Everyone else is asleep, which seems to be the norm for my wife. We talked for maybe 10 minutes tonight. Then I got to watch her sleep in the recliner for a couple of hours, while I surfed the net. Then she finally slipped off to bed and told my daughter to tell me she was going to lay down. So I guess that the sum of being together for 19 years is I have a secretary to let me know the wife is going to sleep.
I had a really busy day at work today, which was good because the time passed quickly. I have pretty much avoided my little heartbreaker the last few days. It's still hard to see her everyday & not feel the desires from deep within poking their heads out (no pun intended).
I guess it would be quite obvious to see where the problem lies with my relationship issues. Their right here in black and white. On one hand feeling like you are just a piece of furniture in your own house and on the other hand getting compliments for someone who is young and beautiful, or getting comments from almost anyone who is the opposite sex. They say "it's a small world", and I would be willing to bet that statement could be proven true, by the number of people who read this little blog & admit that they have felt the same way with their spouses.
So what do we do about it? Why do we stay? If I knew the answer to those questions I would give the ShamWow guy a run for his money with my own TV commericial.
Well 1 more day until the weekend & I'm ready for it. I hope everyone has a great Friday!
I had a really busy day at work today, which was good because the time passed quickly. I have pretty much avoided my little heartbreaker the last few days. It's still hard to see her everyday & not feel the desires from deep within poking their heads out (no pun intended).
I guess it would be quite obvious to see where the problem lies with my relationship issues. Their right here in black and white. On one hand feeling like you are just a piece of furniture in your own house and on the other hand getting compliments for someone who is young and beautiful, or getting comments from almost anyone who is the opposite sex. They say "it's a small world", and I would be willing to bet that statement could be proven true, by the number of people who read this little blog & admit that they have felt the same way with their spouses.
So what do we do about it? Why do we stay? If I knew the answer to those questions I would give the ShamWow guy a run for his money with my own TV commericial.
Well 1 more day until the weekend & I'm ready for it. I hope everyone has a great Friday!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Flat Line
Fighting off boredom and watching the clock tick by, the day finally ended. I am so glad that everyday isn't like today. The rush of getting back into the week happened yesterday. Today things were quiet, which I guess is good in some ways, but the lack of a challenge made the day drag by. Days like today tend to make my mind wander, but I avoided letting my dark eyed beauty rule my thoughts today which was a little hard to do.
I hope everyone has a good St Patty's day & I hope to have more to post tomorrow.
I hope everyone has a good St Patty's day & I hope to have more to post tomorrow.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I think I can, I think I can...
I guess the title is as good as any for a Monday. The weekend is wearing off and the reality of work slaps us all in the face first thing this morning. For some the shock won't be that bad, for others it's a thing of dread. I lean towards the first group of people as I have always worked and I pretty much like my job. Some of the people I work with make the day trying and for those pitiful souls who have no life and look forward to making things harder on everyone, I hope you all have flat tires on the way home.
The beautiful soul who lives with in my heart said she had a great weekend, visited her Dad and Brother, so that was one less worry for me today. We didn't talk a whole lot today as I have stepped back since her birthday. No need to torture myself with things I have no control over.
Going along with today's theme...Why do we put ourselves in the positions that we do. Always striving for something beyond our reach, hoping that this time it will be different, willing to sell our souls for the thing we so desire. It has to be the ongoing process of natural selection. Otherwise we would settle for what life hands us, live off the scraps of those that strive for perfection & be the court jesters for those that did work to better themselves. So for everyone who got up this morning and headed out to their jobs, strapped on their "OK I'm ready, throw it at me helmets" Way to go!! I hope that some part of today no matter how little it may have been made you feel like you accomplished what you set out to do.............
The beautiful soul who lives with in my heart said she had a great weekend, visited her Dad and Brother, so that was one less worry for me today. We didn't talk a whole lot today as I have stepped back since her birthday. No need to torture myself with things I have no control over.
Going along with today's theme...Why do we put ourselves in the positions that we do. Always striving for something beyond our reach, hoping that this time it will be different, willing to sell our souls for the thing we so desire. It has to be the ongoing process of natural selection. Otherwise we would settle for what life hands us, live off the scraps of those that strive for perfection & be the court jesters for those that did work to better themselves. So for everyone who got up this morning and headed out to their jobs, strapped on their "OK I'm ready, throw it at me helmets" Way to go!! I hope that some part of today no matter how little it may have been made you feel like you accomplished what you set out to do.............
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