Merry-Go-Round Man......

It's been along time since I have been on an actual Merry-Go-Round, but in my mind I travel on one everyday. I torture myself with thoughts and feelings, going around and around, one minute stepping away and the next getting ever so close. Spinning around, offering my Heart & Soul, Sternly telling myself to stay away, then coming back again. All the while knowing full well I am wasting my time. Does the heart control the mind or does the mind control the heart? That thought has perplexed me terribly lately. Regardless of which is in control the end result is cruel.
Wanting to be good enough, wishing I could control time, striving to better myself, then saying to hell with it. There is no time limit or schedule, the speed is not always the same, but the ride keeps going around and around. The only constant is that the scenry never changes. I feel myself getting closer to her. My eyes seek her out, there she is, I am hers, my words say it with sincerity, my heart is warmed. She speaks in riddles, not wanting to commit. I listen closely hearing her compliments and then sensing her apprehension. I am hung on her every word. I say more than I should, I bare my soul, I tell her I will always be there if she needs me. I am reminded that I am married, the Merry-Go-round keeps turning. I am getting farther away. I start doubting myself, I'm not good enough, to old, Wish I was more handsome, fit, cut, to hell with it. The scenery is still the same and the ride will not stop.................

Fate???

I thought it was weird how similiar my Singles Horoscope and my Chinese Horoscope were today. Maybe I should listen more closely to them.

Chinese:
It's not unusual for the most appealing thing to be that which is most unattainable. If you suffer from a mild obsession with something or someone that is beyond your grasp, you may wish to find another diversion until the fixation passes. Would you still crave the object of your desire as much if it were yours to keep?

Daily Singles Horoscope:
Look closely at this person, no matter how enticing he or she seems. Does this pretty package actually have anything on the inside? Not getting what you want actually proves to be very valuable.

I have backed off from the person I am crazy about. It's kind of hard to compete with a 23 year old when your 42. I haven't really been competing, but I damn sure make him work hard to keep what he's got. I treat her with the respect she deserves and he knows it...lol. She never will admit that she's dating someone, but I know better and told her the other day I wasn't a dumbass.

Just for the record...SSDD at home with the wife. Thats a story for another day. I hope everyone is doing well!
Mike

Bitching again...

Well it's been awhile since I stopped in to unload here at my blog so here it goes..... I woke up yesterday to having an arguement with the wife the Very First Thing in the morning. I thought about it on my way to work and texted her the following ..."Counseling or quits? We need to make a decision here. There is no need to keep tearing each other apart." Well she had a different attitude that afternoon when I got home. I still don't think a damn thing is solved, but "once again" she knows I am tired of the shit. I doubt anything will change and after 18 years I guess we are just mulling along like a creature of habit will do. One day something will snap, a line will be crossed just a little to far and I am sure we will seperate.

I think about my options all the time, I have saved a little money on the side that she is unaware of and in a pinch I have a place to go. I am generally a strong free willed person, but have fell into a life of convieance. It's to easy to come home and avoid her if things aren't going well to be driven to leave. Last year I was anxious to go, I had someone to go to. Someone better, Someone new. Why didn't I leave then? Scared, stupid, compliacent or a combination of all three. I'm 42 and hate the thougth of starting over. My daughter turns 18 in 11 days, that will be a relief also!

Oh well, I will get back to dreaming in my mind and waiting until the day the line is crossed or something snaps.

Maybe this won't be considered racial.....

I just have to vent and state a few thoughts about women of different races ( I am sure the same applies to men, but I am stating this from a mans point of view). As with any statement, the statements I make from this point forward are not all encompassing & no statement applies to everyone. So please do not take my comments personally. I work in a field that has a wide array of different cultures, Caucasian, Haitian, Puetro-Rican, Cuban, Black, Mexican and probably several other races I have failed to mention.
Every race/Culture has their own quirks/ beliefs / teachings / traditions / habits or whatever you want to call them. I for one am sick of the direction that "most" women of the Caucasian race are heading. The "modern white woman" has no intent on giving anything of herself to please her spouse, they have became self centered, materialistic, spoiled bitches. Little do they know how rewarding giving of their selves to their spouse can be. I doubt that they care as long as they get the material things they want.
Working closely with Haitian, Mexican, Cuban, Black & Puetro-Rican women I can see a huge difference in their attitudes, needs and beliefs. I cannot explain it and maybe it is just the difference in culture, but any of the women that I have mentioned in this paragraph are more caring and giving that most of the Caucasian women I have ever met. These women seem to derive pleasure from sharing of themselves with their significant other & their families. They are respectful, appreciative and have great pride in their accomplishments. They are not "needy" "greedy" or demanding. Their demeanor makes you want to please them.
Maybe I am just biased due top my own personal experiences. Maybe I am still somewhat stinging from an argument I had earlier with my wife or maybe my eyes have been opened. I don't know the answer, but as I said in my first line I wanted to vent. I welcome any opinions and hopefully I have not offended anyone with my statements.
Take care,
When you come to realize you are riding a dead horse the best strategy is to dismount!!!

Vacation

HAPPY VACATION !!!!

I wanted to wish you a Happy Vacation and let you know that you will be missed. I would still like to tell you goodbye personally tomorrow, but I wanted to write down a few of my thoughts that I am sure I could not remember to say them all tomorrow.

I hope that you and your daughter have a wonderful time with your Mom and that your Mom is in good health and well. I know she will be happy to see you both and will be very proud of you and she will see how great of a job you have done raising your daughter.

I want you to know that I understand that you have moved on with your life & I cannot blame you for that. You have to do what you feel is best for you. My only hope is that you are happy and that you are treated with the respect & love that you deserve. You are a wonderful person and have so much to offer.

I have tried to step away and leave you alone and not express my feelings anymore. With you going away for so long, I did want to let you know that I will be praying your trip is a Safe one and that you have a Great time. Please know that I will always be wishing good things for you no matter how far away you are or what happens in either of our lives. Knowing you has enlightened my life and inspired me to try and be a better person. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to be the person that could provide you with the things you need to be happy.

PLEASE be safe and take care of yourself and your daughter. Wish your Mom the very best & if you want let her know that someone (me) thinks she done a fabulous job raising her wonderful daughter!

Quote for the Day!

"When you come to realize that your are riding a dead horse, the best stragety is to dismount."

Getting it Together....

I don't know if the title is exactly the correct way to put things, because I don't know if I'll ever get it all together. I have been pushing forward day by day, trying to improve myself & the whole time my mind is working against me. I set goals and know that if I stick to them I can accomplish most all of them. The dark side of my mind works against me asking the question "Why Bother?". Not having a support system at home(someone who gives a shit) doesn't really help. I have always set high goals for myself and most of the time I have accomplished them. There have only been a few times in my life that I haven't achieved what I set out to do, whether it was work related or in a relationship. Right now I feel like I am at the crossroads of what I consider "Failure". I feel that my marriage is a failure & that the relationship I have been persueing in my heart is set to be a failure also. There are only so many things a person can do to win the heart of another and I am pretty much at the end of my efforts. I will never forgive myself for not stepping up and leaving my wife when I should have last year. I preach to my daughter that there are always concquences for your actions and until the day I die I will still wonder "what if I had of done this or that?".

I have been writing at home, mainly childhood memories that I would like to pass along to my daughter and any children that she may one day have. I have been very sporadic with my writings here as well as at home. Lately though I have felt compelled to quicken the pace.

Thanks to the person who comments on my posts and sends me an occasional message. You know who you are and I do enjoy logging in to see whats new with you. I hope all is well in your life.......